How to Know if Your Child’s Anxiety is Normal.
By Cara Barbierri, Psy.D.
All adults experience worry, fear, and nervousness regularly. Our children experience similar emotions.
Our children’s fears may occur around a big event, when experiencing something for the first time, or when they experience us as being nervous or unsure. Typical expressions of worry or nervousness in children include:
• Verbal expression of worry or doubt
• Difficulty going to sleep or staying asleep
• Clingy behavior
• Racing or pounding heart
• Butterflies in stomach
All of these signs of worry are temporary and the response of our protective autonomic nervous system kicking into action to keep us safe at the first moments it senses danger or potential harm. As soon as the situation passes, our children should calm and move on.
As a parent, the best ways to handle typical worry/fears is to:
Talk with your child about their fears – let them know that worrying in their situation is normal
Create open dialogue about typical feelings and experiences
Talk with them about what typical situations you worried about as a child/teenager
Reassure them
But what if you have a child that does not calm easily or quickly? What if your child remains alert, concerned, emotionally overwhelmed, angry or sad after the fearsome situation has passed? If this is the case, you may have a child with an anxiety disorder. The difference between typical worries and anxiety problems includes:
Children with anxiety problems cannot control their worry.
Their anxiety is chronic.
The anxiety is not rational: meaning it fundamentally impacts their thinking and behavior in ways that cause them to misinterpret information (for example, they may believe they are in danger often).
A “fight or flight” instinct is triggered and prolonged, leading to chronic “dyregulation” and intense periods of crying or anger/aggressive behavior.
The anxiety occurs across multiple settings such as at home, in school, and in the community.
Chronically anxious children require a different kind of parenting. Anxious kids have an underlying fear that they are not safe, that something bad might happen to them or to someone in their lives, and thus our response to them and how we respond to their high levels of reactivity is essential to their future ability to manage anxiety well. In my practice I work with many parents daily on how to develop, practice, and perfect many of the following skills for helping their highly anxious child.
Remain CALM and CONTROLLED. Take deep breathes and walk away and take a break if you feel yourself becoming frustrated and irritated.
VALIDATE and help them UNDERSTAND their emotion. “I think you are feeling really worried right now. I get it. Let’s talk about what we can do.”
Help to reassure them that you as parents are in control, but that you are not going to avoid this.
Be your child’s cheerleader: “I KNOW that you can do this! We will help you learn to face your fears and be brave.”
ENCOURAGE bravery.
SEEK an evaluation for your child, and then parental support, from a professional that understands childhood anxiety and the essential components of how to parent an anxious child.